Chuck Norris possesses bad@ssness

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

3. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the
probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

5. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

6. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.

7. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

8. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked
15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
Lance Armstrong.

9. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

10. Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

11. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't
you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured
this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw,
was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

12. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the
first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

13. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs
to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

14. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

15. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes
only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has
not had to pay taxes ever.

16. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has
been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

17. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!"
Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and
laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went
deaf.

18. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for
Chuck Norris.

19. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French
surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

20. On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said,
"Chuck Norris was here."

21. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his
own.

22. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
Norris

23. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly
after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck
Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew
once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

24. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I
mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

25. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win
the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out
of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card
from the game UNO.

26. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

27. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the
best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst
mistake anyone has ever made.

28. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
the man ate a fucking Indian.

29. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing
that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

30. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse
kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."